Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Maybe Archie should be the next BB intruder

Bunch o' manky slags and long-schlonged nongs...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Guess who worked a 9 hour day and is passing off an old forwarded email as a new blog entry?!

Enny-Pen proudly (and kinda shamefully) presents...


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}


The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Pay heed to this advice - this will help you avoid a Mexican style stand off, woman on woman, competing against each other, mentally willing the other to get up and leave to let you poop in peace... or so I've heard...


A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

I can honestly say I've never farted at a urinal. Full. Stop.


When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

I'm not cool enough to be hung over at work. However, I am prone to mapping out whether the people coming are going (mapping out in my head - not the wall! Dirty bugger...).


The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Wouldn't that require an advanced degree in acrobatics? And is it true that lighting a match will burn up the smell?


Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}


A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

One of the Dilbert books (stereotype+++) stated a good way of avoiding work is to walk around with papers with your hands to make it look like you're busy. Except for a newspaper. Newspapers always make it look like you're going to bake a fat loaf. This is why I chuckle when I see the library staff bringing in the papers of a morning.


A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Um. Yuk. No thanks.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}


Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

Are there people that actually do this?! Maybe in Kambah... or Lyneham...


A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Heh heh *cough cough*


A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace

Short - short - short - long - long - long - short - short - short*


A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

I imagine it would take more than a little cough to distract from the sound of a watermelon being dropped of at the pool.


A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

The after-affect of one of these taught me to never Never NEVER lift the lid on a closed toilet. EVER.


A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Sometimes I do this on purpose...

Go forth and rejoice in your newfound knowlege! G'orne.... Gedoutta here!

*Morse Code! Argh, yee salty seamen.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It's not me, it's you.

It's been a day of loosely linked random events...

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}

...told me not to feel that I owed her anything, but she has invested a lot on me and is yet to get a return on her investment. Ouch. I really coulda used that line to get rid of a grotty ex...

- Who's twin I saw at work today! Not his literal twin (he doesn't have one, thank god), but a guy dressed in exactly the clothes that he used to wear, circa 1998. Freaky-deeky; and

- I lied at a weightwatchers meeting and got away with it (livin' on the edge here, people!) - I hadn't been to a meeting since moving in with The Hun (2mths and a day ago!) and had to get a friends mum to forge the entry for me. Unfortunately, I am now teetering within 300 grams of having to start paying those b@st@rds again, which I am not keen on doing, but I am still keen on those fun-sized Picnic bars I "accidentally" bought, and the Breezers in the fridge, and Conder Takeaway pizza, and garlic bread, and - well, you get the idea..!

And how was yours?!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


What's your Bloginality?

"You are an ENFP!

As an ENFP, you are Extraverted, iNtuative, Feeling , Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling.

This is defined as a NF personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Idealist (Identity Seeking) type, and more specifically the Champions or Inspirer.

As a weblogger, you may not be consistant in posts. Although, if you find a specific focus on their journal or a very flexible manner of writing, it may be more fufilling. Because you are warm and see so many posibilities in life, you may inspire others to follow in your footsteps with a journal."


This is actually quite consistent because I'd done one at work before and got ENFP as well!

Okay, I'll be honest, the first time I did it I got ENFJ... but the site says Click the submit button and you'll be taken to a page which describes this personality type. If you don't think the results fit you, come back and reread the options.

So I did.

And I liked it much better - ENFJ sounded a little lonely:

"As an ENFJ, you are Extraverted, iNtuative, Feeling , and Judging.
This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition.

This is defined as a NF personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Idealist (Identity Seeking) type, and more specifically the Teachers or Givers

As a weblogger, you enjoy the relationships with other bloggers because of your rich insights and people skills. Even while you enjoy journaling, you may still feel alone in your thoughts dispite the number of people linking to you."


To vote 'Stay', dial 1900-HOT-JOB

It would seem that whinging about my job ...

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}

The next 8.5 minutes made me realise why I'm not a manager.

I am naive. I am gullible. I am weak and couldn't argue my way out of a paper bag. If I was a lawyer, I would be the type that woke up four nights later with 'Eureka! That's how I could have saved my client!'. When I am confronted, the centre of attention, looked at by more than one person at a time or talking about something I am seriously passionate about, I have a tendency to forget what I was saying. And turn bright red. And stink like a stable. And start to cry.

I'm thanking the long tuckshop queue for a later-than-usual caffiene boost that helped me not to cry this time. However, every positive I had of the 'new EnnyPen' has now been turned into a negative.

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}

It seems even Shauna is subtley telling me to stay where I am...

Instead, my mental image of being one of 'those girls' in the skirt suits and pointy shoes, is looking more and more like the EnnyPen I actually am - the one in the corner eating popcorn and bopping to Talking Heads and Tripod on her headphones.

It's times like these I could use my own Schappelle worm.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Exciting Weekend Plus!

So EnnyPen, how was your weekend?

Well! I went to brunch with the Martial Arts ladies and then cleaned the bathroom and then had a nap and the -

Excuse you! - then turned down a party invite so I could watch 'Hunt for Red October' on mute and then watched soccer till 2am and the score was still nil all and -

Heh heh, Late night huh?! - and then I fell asleep on the couch and then the next day I burnt some cheese on toast and got hit in the back of the head with a fluffy ball and got beaten by The Hun in soccer, volleyball and netball then -

Wanna coffee? - then I did $160 worth of groceries and was in bed by 11.

Thankyou for listening to my story.

Awww yeah! *insert wanky motion where you lick your finger then poke your butt cheek and make a sizzling 'HOTT" noise* Don't you tell me that the youth of today are out of control!...

RETRACTION - Maybe tell this guy or else all the top quality girls will be too intimidated to ask him out when he's older coz he smokes.

!!!BONUS!!! Fun game for those boring Canberra nights - Google Image Yawn and see how long you can NOT yawn for...

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Star Wars 3 *Possibly maybe some spoiler alert required*

I went to see Star Wars 3 (6?!) las night with The Hun and his parents as part of his dads Wild and Crazy Wa-hey Lets Party Like It's 2005 Birthday Celebration (read: bbq tea and movie). All jokes aside, a good time was had by all.

I can't/shouldn't/won't say too much about the movie. My Star Wars Viewing Experience spanned over 8 years and was ordered 4, 1, 2, 5, 6, 2, 3 (with intermittent naps through most). For someone who struggles through even the simplest of plot lines, breaking a movie up into six parts and dispersing it o'er many, many years, a clear analysis receive you will not (as you can see, I have totally mastered Yoda speakz0r).

Personally, I liked the cute robot noises, I hated the burning stumps and flesh and I rolled my eyes at the cheesy lines. I am waiting for Natalie Portmans entire costume wardrobe to appear on GoFugYourself, I am pondering the meaning of the Ophelia {Hamlet} inspired funeral scene and I am hearting looking for other bloggers views on the movie - sorry guys, this is the only one I remembered to bookmark!

My favourite Master guy was Samuel L Jackson's. He had the purple lay-zor, crazy one-armed sabre fighting style, was puffed before he started and reverted to giving the creepy old guy and old-fashioned boot to the face rather than maintaining his jedi-like composure.

I have a fairly good idea of what happened overall, but I still wouldn't mind seeing them all in a row with someone who understands it all and can answer all my questions (apparently there aren't going to be too many people volunteering for this sort of thing).

Highlight of the movie? Let me share it with you, my precious underlings, in a theatrical manner...

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}

There you go people - cemently rock hard proof that it works - try it out now!*

*Maybe tomorrow. It's getting kinda late and the only thing you will get upon waking up a loved one to taunt them with a sci-fi quote that they proddly haven't heard/won't remember, is a palm heel between the eyes.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Don't tell anyone your dreams because they tend to trail off and get boring

What happens when all your thinking is space is taken up by the action/science fiction book you're reading [NERD!], considering getting a family tattoo and judging everything in terms of it's blogability?

Odd dreams.

Long story short had me with four giant characters tattooed down my spine and a bar pierced through each gap in my back bone. I remember feeling shocked at just how butch I looked when I caught sight of in a shop window reflection.

Here's a picture of one to show how painful that would be (please imagine much a nicer and girlier back):

All of a sudden I was part of a gang of bloggers and Jellyfish was there (I have NO idea what she looks like, but because she reminds me of my cousin, that's what she looked like) and she told me that I needed to be careful as I knocked a boy off a giant olde-big-wheel-style bike with a tree branch...

(For those without a spickle of imagination!!)

Or maybe I'm subconsciously stalker-stylez as she had a similar experience recently...

I'm kidding. Seriously!!! Please don't stop writing or I'll have nothing to read at lunchtimes!!! I promise to never to type your name again if that's what you want!!!! C'moooOOOoooooon!!!

Or maybe it's more of an indication of my desire to be a part of a gang of interesting people...

WAH! ;><;

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Almost a retraction



Sorry bout all that yesterday...

I'm not nearly as dark'n'stormy today - in fact, the cloud lifted like 5 minutes after I hit Publish last night. I scanned back over the blog and realised I had a couple of comments(!) and I felt instantly guilty, like I had betrayed people by just wasting this space whinging like a moody bitch.

# I love the way The Hun set the heater to automatically come on this morning
# I love the way the driver of the sexy MR2 checked out my car at the lights
# I love how cosy my cardy was feeling
# I love...


What's this?

An email with a pic explaining just how good I'm feeling today?

How extraordinarily well timed is this?!!

How f()cking happy does this guy look?!

Ignore the giant cactus wang - look at the great big googley-moog!!! He's deleriously joyful!!

F()cking. Aweseome.


Monday, May 16, 2005

Could I have been?

Could I have been a parking lot attendant?
Could I have been a millionaire in Bel Air?
Could I have been lost somewhere in Paris?
Could I have been your little brother?
Could I have been anyone other than me?
- Dave Matthews Band, Dancing Nancies

  • I hate waking up and realising it's Monday
  • I hate waking up and feeling like I haven't slept
  • I hate having to get up in a house without heating
  • I hate not having warm slippers to wear and getting in trouble for nicking The Hun's
  • I hate having a bathroom light that won't turn on without the fan coming on
  • I hate having a bathroom that doesn't have a sunlight so you can't see without the light on
  • I hate having a toilet without an exhaust fan
  • I hate not being keen enough to iron all my clothes at once so I could sleep in more in the mornings
  • I hate only having pants that are that bit too short so my ass and handles hang out the top or that are so big that it looks like I've crapped my pants and tied them on with a piece of twine
  • I hate having bruises all over my legs from sparring and sport so I can't wear skirts
  • I hate the fact that I mostly choose comfort over style for work shoes
  • I hate finding out that the banana I brought to work is still crunchy on the inside
  • I hate finding out that the carrots I bought are a little bendy and bitter
  • I hate the way I snap at people because I'm stressed when they aren't being unreasonable at all
  • I hate typing with frozen fingers
  • I hate thinking that the heater is on when it's not
  • I hate that I could keep going and going and going like this.

I hate that I've still got another 4 days of this to go this week, then God know how many more weeks after this...

Friday, May 13, 2005

Happy Friday 13th Fear-a-thon!

Friday 13th = Scary. Enny Pen = Scaredy Cat Panphobic*. What are you afraid of?!:

# Achluophobia: Fear of darkness - I can't close my eyes in the shower...
# Acousticophobia: Fear of noise - I'm jumpy at the best of times;
# Acrophobia, Altophobia, Batophobia, Hypsiphobia,Hypsophobia: Fear of heights - I'm no good at Questacon;
# Aelurophobia: Fear of cats - Maybe not fear, more HATE;
# Aeronausiphobia: Fear of vomiting due to airsickness - What if the bag breaks?!
# Aerophobia, Ancraophobia, Aviatophobia, Aviophobia, Batophobia, Hypsophobia, Hypsiphobia: Fear of flying - My first flight left me with grip marks on my belly...Worst. Flier. Ever.
# Agrizoophobia: Fear of wild animals - Unless they're at the zoo on one of those islands way down below a high fence...
# Agyrophobia: Fear of crossing streets - Unless it's at traffic lights - that's what happens after you get hit by one!
# Aichmophobia: Fear of needles or pointed objects - Don't point that at my eye!!
# Algophobia, Odynophobia: Fear of pain - In more than a small dose
# Amaxophobia: Fear of being in or riding in vehicles - Only when my brothers drive...
# Ancraophobia: Fear of wind - Heh heh heh *poot*;
# Aquaphobia: Fear of water - I won't get in unless I can touch the ground.
# Autophobia: Fear of being alone - I can't liiiiiive, if living is without yooooou...
# Ballistophobia: Fear of missles or bullets - Who isn't?!
# Bromidrosiphobia: Fear of bodily odors - *sniff sniff* Again?!
# Catagelophobia: Fear of being ridiculed - *pout*
# Chorophobia8: Fear of dancing - Only when sober
# Claustrophobia: Fear of confined spaces - You won't see me sleeping with my head under the blanket - but then again, that could be my Bromidrosiphobia...
# Climacophobia: Fear of falling downstairs - I nearly fell down the ladder at Wanniassa slide - THAT was pretty scary!
# Coprophobia: Fear of feces - Pooooo!
# Deipnophobia: Fear of dining and dinner conversations - I'm a little socially retarded...
# Decidophobia : Fear of making decisions - Now I have an excuse for it!!!
# Dystychiphobia: Fear of accidents - Else they wouldn't be accidents!
# Eisoptrophobia: Fear of mirrors/Fear of looking into mirrors - Unless I've been drinking...!
# Emetophobia: Fear of vomiting - *Blargh*
# Enosiophobia: Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin - I used to take bubble gum from Jewel before I learnt stealing was a sin - I still haven't confessed for fear of getting yelled at by the priest!
# Ergasiophobia: 1) Fear of work. 2) Surgeon's fear of operating - OMG? This happens so often they have a name for it? Perhaps maybe they shouldn't be surgeons?!!
# Hadeophobia: Fear of hell - Maybe not enough to get yelled at by a priest...
# Helminthophobia: Fear of being infested with worms - YUK.
# Hierophobia: Fear of priests - Just their YELLING!
# Homophobia: Fear of sameness, monotony. Fear of homosexuality - I never knew it meant two things?!
# Katagelophobia: Fear of ridicule *More Pout*
# Kenophobia: Fear of voids - Nobody can hear you scream!
# Kyphophobia: Fear of stooping - WTF?
# Ligyrophobia: Fear of loud noises - Again, I'm jumpy!
# Maieusiophobia: Fear of childbirth - I'm gonna be sooooo drugged up!
# Merinthophobia: Fear of being bound - I'm scared of being tickled!!
# Necrophobia: Fear of dead things. Fear of death - ick. Again.
# Papaphobia: Fear of the Pope - He's frickin evil!!
# Parthenophobia: Fear of virgins or young girls - The one's I'm scared of definately aren't virgins...
# Placophobia: Fear of tombstones - Moreso walking over the top of where the coffins are.
# Pnigerophobia: Fear of choking, Fear of smothering.
# Pogonophobia: Fear of beard - ARGH! SHANNON NOLL!!!
# Pteronophobia: Fear of being tickled by feathers/Fear of feathers - Tee hee hee
# Rectophobia: Fear of rectum - *Snort*
# Taphephobia/Taphephobia: Fear of graves, cemetaries or being buried alive;
# Thalassophobia: Fear of the sea - 11 days on gold coast, 6 minutes in ankle deep ocean.
# Thanatophobia: Fear of death or dying.
# Tomophobia: Fear of surgical operations - I nearly sat up and ran out when I got wheeled under the surgery lights for my wisdom teeth.

Think they missed one tho: Tronphobic: Fear of ugly fat men in latex and neon....


* Fear of everything. A nonspecific fear; A state of general anxiety.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Attention: All Nurses

Taken from Smh.com:

An undercover Florida policeman says he went to hospital for sinus surgery that required a shot of painkiller, but instead the syringe was filled with make-up glitter.

Even the lawyer for Florida Hospital in Orlando, Orange County, called the case exquisitely bizarre. It has not been exquisite for the undercover officer, who says that, ever since the injection, he has been plagued by health problems, the website of channel WFTV 9 reports.

Lawyers for the undercover deputy say it was cosmetic glitter, injected into muscles of his hip. The officer had gone to the hospital for sinus surgery in October 2000. Nurses were supposed to inject him with Demerol. But one shot, he said, didn't make him feel better.

"There was a lot of pain. I complained several times that something was wrong in my buttock, hip, in the area I got the shot," said the deputy, whose identity has been suppressed.

Three months later, he had a 10-centimetre by 10-centimetre lump near the injection site. It took surgery to remove it. An analysis determined there was "green and red sparkling material" around the mass. In other words, glitter.

The deputy continues to have health problems. He walks with a limp and has been treated in hospital 12 more times. He is suing the hospital.

Nurses? Did you read that?

C'mon now, I've got nothing against you. You were helpful when I fell out of bed then tripped over the wading pool and broke my arm; you were very calming as you helped stitch me up after I got hit by that car, and you brought me back when I fainted after having my wisdom teeth removed.

But please, before you come even one step closer or get back to whinging about poor pay and no recognition for your intense and chellenging work, please memorise this diagram and learn it well:

'Nuff said.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

She's BaaaAAAAaaaack!

Hint: Don't hold your breath for anything exciting here!

I had a fantastic weekend (in retrospect that is, it was completely exhausting at the time!) - ripping the skin off the bottoms of my feet by pivoting too much on the wooden floor, squinty eyes from only 12 hours sleep over four days, bruised feet from standing 16 hours a day, listening to the guys trying to 'out-man' each other with their plumbing skills as the toilets, sinks and showers started regurgitating crap through all the change rooms, and *unintentionally* crying after being winded by a f*cker with no concept of it not being respectful to beat the crap out of girls who have just been winded...

But it was really inspiring to be up there with our masters and to be able to bond more with people from other states, some who have been training for 30 years or more! In its own way, it was exciting to have to be aware of my seniors 24 hours a day, to the point where I bowed to the man at the groggo as he gave me my change as I hadn't seen a 'non-trainer' in what felt like forever. Like seriously, I was so tense I couldn't even relax enough to crap for the whole 5 days! Yup - you read that right! 5 DAYS!!

So, the new hardcorez0r EnnyPen returned to work today, full of inspiration to make the most of life as an assertive and empowered martial artist...

And then?


Although, I DID get linked to for the first time (that I'm aware of!) - granted, it was a link to my site in the comments of another blog, referencing this post (which was just some email spam circulating at the time), but it means that someone has been here other than me logging in to blog, or The Hun logging in to snoop ;o)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Morning Glory

Earliest. Post. Ever.

I leave for QLD in a few hours for Martial Arts Camp, which (until about 6:45 last night) I was quietly confident about...

Now? Now my brain is spewing verbal reminders such as 'Rim the Pot'*, 'Cobra Strike', 'Closed Sparrow' and 'Shake your Groove Thang' in an effort to remember what the f()ck I am supposed to do in any of the forms I wasn't fully aware of/ didn't practice/ pretended they didn't exist ...

I'm gonna look like such a Monkey...**

* I know there are many interpretations of how this could be done (and I apologise for any disturbing images you may have been asaulted with if you Googled it) but I'm talking 'bout pretending to rub the rim of a huge pot ... not, y'know... whatever else you thunk.

** See how masterfully I set that up? Look at him! A monkey! In a Uniform! Doing a Jumpkick! Into a Board!!! Genius. And curses that he can do it so well.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Rejoicing in my newfound Picasa skillz

I told you he was evil...

Look at me! I'm an Ugly Bug!

This is precisely why Ms Hyundai Getz and Mr Toyota Echo shouldn't start getting down and dirty in laundry, then call out for Poor Lil Rexy to come in because hey have something to show him:

Look at the poor little guy... He's so traumatised he doesn't know what he's supposed to be.

Putting on my fortune tellers hat, I predict that there'll be all sorts of similar outrage around the globe, then every second Canberran will rush out and over-pay for one and parade thru manuka with their ho's and guy-gangs...

...Not that it's happened before or anything...

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Marinate me, you great big sweaty hunks of man-meat!!!

One of the greatest gifts The Hun has given me is Rugby Union.

So, in what is proddly more ChickyBabe style, I'm titilated to present to you:

Enny-Pens Top 10 reasons Union is so much better than poofy AFL or thuggish League:

1) Mark Gerrard (or, more appropriately, Mark GrrRRRRrrraard) - His fluffy-duffy fruz weaves daintily thru the opposition. He's the type I'd love to take home to meet Mum (tho I'd have some explaining to do re: the whereabouts of The Hun). And I almost cried when I thought he'd lost his sight after he charged-down that ball with his face the other week...

2) Radike Samo - my first ever football crush. Not in the same way my Aunty had the hots for Mal Meninga *shudder* but because I was a football virgin and loved the way he could hold the football in one hand and just chaaaaaaaaaarge. I would sell my first born son to souvenir one of his knee bands...

3) Jeremy Paul - um.... ok, I admit - he's only really on this list coz he looks like GrrRRRRrrraard.

4) Wendell Sailor - One of my few non-Brumbies favourites - He did a cute little dance when he was on the Wallabies and scored and I know he woulda got in trouble for it, and he knew he was gonna get in trouble for it, but that didn't stop him!... Dance Sailor, dance your crazy sailor dance!

5) Jone Tawake - I had to search through the player profiles to find out the name of the other muscley hunk-o-man.

6) George Gregan - He's the captain which means he likes to be in control. And his son has epilepsy so he's patient and unconditionally-loving. And baldness is linked to virility. And someone told me he's hung like a horse. A big horse. Ooh, and he's portable!

7) George Smith - mainly out of envy for his hair. Very few men can carry off such a ponytail...

8) Lote Tuqiri - He's huuuuuuuge! And he's the forbidden fruit - the one player The Hun detests me cheering for the most. Mainly because he's the only player not on the Brumbies that I do cheer for. And I'm totally hearting the pineapple hairdo - him and George Smith should have sexy football love babies...

9) Matty the Fatty (pre weight loss). *Insert sympathy vote here!*

10) All of the Hurricanes - They are the only team I can identify (besides our Brumbies). Oh, except the pasty red-haired one. And the creepy one with the Jon Butler beard).

I admit, there is some bias here (being from Canberra and all) but they're the only team I've been taught to watch - and at least I didn't rate Miss Metro, Matty Henjak...

P.S Did you know that the law of common decency is apparently null and void down in Lanyon (also now affectionately know as moll-town...)?

If I wasn't too povvy to spring for a camera phone, I could've shown you prime examples of the Lanyon bi-laws:

A): As long as you can do your stylishly faded, ripped and graffiti'd jeans up (no matter how low they are or how much muffin hangs over the top, then you are so totally the hottest chick in the whole place; and

B): Actually - make that 2nd hottest, but only to the 60 year old in the knitted mesh singlet, fur lined coat, red pin stilettos, choppy purple streaks and Von Dutch bag..