Saturday, July 15, 2006

Coincidence?

Is it? That the same day that the whole anonymous blog thang falls to sh!t is the same day I record the highest amount of hits to my site?

Who knows?

(besides EVERYONE else?)

Ooooh yeah - I've been drinking.

So why not ask me how my week's been?

What? You just did?

Well, lemme tell you.

I've been moody all week. I've been tired, cranky and potentially hormonal. I'm not losing weight - if anything I'm going up - and so I've been entertaining the thought that maybe I'm pregnant (v not likely) and then I feel guilty coz my 'occassional' cruiser with dinner has been happening more and more often so if I DID get accidentally pregnant then my baby would be brain damaged and I'd never drink again.

So besides stupid random thoughts as above, my boss has been on leave, so I've been busy.

{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}

I've been moping around the house feeling sorry for myself - The Hun has an icky chest cold, and is unhappy with his job (rightfully so) so the more upset he gets, the more upset I get. I seem to spend my time getting outta bed first, getting ready in the cold, making lunch, going to work, coming home, checking the net for 30 mints, going to martial arts, coming home, cooking dinner and then going to bed while The Hun watches Le Tour and falls asleep on the couch. I spend my time ranting all my issues to everyone but him and then I go nuts at him that we don't talk about anything important anymore. 5 days a week. Then we do nothing all weekend. And I get told off for the house being messy and not doing anything. Wah wah wah etc - you get the picture.

And of couse it's all exagerated, coz that's what I like to do.

AND NOW, following up ramble styles from yesterdays post - I'm even more despondent.

So eldest bro's gf has read the blog occassionally.

Middle bro only reads it when he has nothing else to read and thinks it's a good opportunity to make me look like more of a prick than I already appear (RL and otherwise).

Youngest bro dun give a f()ck about it and is the only one I told.

And eldest bro gf told me eldest bro knows about it but dun read it, but then tells her that he only told me about the 'L word' thing because he read it here.

Yeah, see that? I'm not even colouring them orange I'm that frickin emotional about all this bullshit.

What I hate is the feeling that my space has been encroached.

And I don't care if that's not a word.

And I'm not THAT frickin thick - I KNOW it's on the internet so EVERY frickin man and his dog can read it, but that's not what it was about.

It wasn't intended for people I know. And it wasn't intended for people I know to tell other people I know. And it wasn't intended for the other people I know to then use what they know and tell others who don't know to make it look like I'm off blabbing every little snippet. And it wasn't intended for me to have to explain to others how someone found out something that I was sworn to secrecy about that they were sworn to secrecy about. And then to all sit back and have a frickin tea party discussion on how superior and super secret and cool I think I am in bloglife when I'm just a piece of sh!t in RL.

So now what? Do I have to be looking over my shoulder? Do I not talk write about anything that actually happens? Do I not get the opportunity to say what I really think anymore? Do I instead write hypothetical essays that don't indicate who or what or where or when it may be related to RL (as suggested by The Hun)? I'm not shooting down his idea, but the reason I started this whole shebang was because I thought I'd had plenty of interesting stories to tell, not because I'm an awesome writer who wants to be published and is blogging to keep up the practice. I'm not doing it for the love of the frickin written word. It's because I like the opportunity to express and share and meet new people, get new perspectives, read new things.

It makes me mad. There are so many issues in the issue that make me mad that I can't even talk about because f()ck knows who's reading this and is going tell whoever else f()cking knows.

If there are ppl I know reading, then that's fine. I'd rather I know and have some discussion on it so that I have the opportunity to say 'if you want to read, that's fine, but you'll know more about me then you want to and that's YOUR choice. '

F()CK you for every time you sat back and laughed at something I thought.

I don't want to hafta frickin censor myself.

And the thing I hate Hate HATE is knowing that people I see or speak to weekly, biweekly or more have known about this the whole time. And not said a fricking thing to my face.

The thing I HATE most in Rlife is looking the fool. Especially when it's to more than one person. Especially to people that I thought would tell me sooner and not betray my trust. Because if they really knew me like I thought they did, they would know it's the one thing that would upset me the most.

OBVIOUSLY.

14 comments:

DelightfulJen said...

I can so understand what you mean about not wanting certain people to read, or have read your blog.

My blog is very much my 'own' stuff, and it's not something I would want to share with people I know in person, I for all the same reasons you have.

I *LOVE* that that I 'friends' on my blog who are able to provide insight and advice on things that can't or don't want to share with my 'real' friends.

I don't know what you should do from here. I have no idea what I would do in the situation. I don't know if I could keep my old blog, once it had been found. For me it would have ruined everything that I wanted my blog to me. My own public, yet private slice of myself.

Maybe just pack up and start again on a new blog?

Good luck with things Enny.

Enny said...

DJ - Thankyou for your understanding. I wouldn't close down - I just need to talk about 'othert things' and wait out what's happening in RL... things are getting more and more awkward atm ;o)

DelightfulJen said...

There is nothing worse than awkward situations. Hope everything blows over soon :)

Halliwell said...

It's just an open forum where you can discuss many issues in ones life.
It was never ment to infringe on the lives or offend the persons involved in any posts.
I understand that their concern of people talking about them behind their backs and people they don't even know(me) knowing of such issues.
But in your defense not once have you gone in great personal detail/betray anyone nor have you greatly interfered in their relationship, Although as a writer you must respect the privcy of those you write.
It can be used as a form of mediation, get points of views from people whom have been in that situation or people whom aren't 'blinded' by biases.
It'll all calm down soon enough.
Keep up the good work.

Enny said...

DJ - thanks - I think some peace is on it's way...

halliwell - that's exactly it. And I can see it from both points of view. I think that it will be a little time before I get over the shock of not everyone being mad at me, and settle more into the fact that there was different levels of betrayal all over the place. And I'll do my best ;o)

Susanne said...

Enny- This is something I struggle with too, as I do have some real-life friends reading the blog, and as a result, I tend not to go in depth about what is happening in my life for that very reason- I only put up what I'm happy to put in the public sphere.

It's hard to draw a line between keeping things interesting and not giving away more than you want to.

I hope you keep up with the blog and that you don't listen to the naysayers.

Cheers,

Susanne

xox

Matty said...

Good luck Enny. Both my past blogs have been arrested in full march because I tended to bare a side of myself that I didn't want certain sides of my life to ever read about - and they did. So kudos to you for standing strong and taking it on the chin, you're a stronger person than I ever was.

Enny said...

susanne - it definately puts a bit of a tint on things, yeah? But I will soldier one - whatta battlah ;o)

matty - I'm sorry to hear that - I had no idea! But thankyou for your support *blush*

Angela said...

this is pretty much what happened to me... i found out that someone i knew in RL had been reading my blog for months, but never mentioned it to me. it really bothered me, cause it was all so sneaky and the only reason i found out was by complete fluke. so i'm just cooling it for a while... i tried moving the blog, but he kept searching. so i'm just gonna leave it till they give up, and then start a new anonymous one i think.

i guess you could ask the people in RL you know are reading this not to...?

atleast your people told you though! i think that's just common courtesy, really.

Enny said...

angela - So that explains your hiatus? It's pretty terrible the way these things worked out - I figured that if I'd stopped they'd proddly find me however they found it last, so there wasn't much point. You would think admitting is common courtesy, but I think it was a cross between guilt and wanting to straighten out my point of view that led to the confession - if some of that stuff wasn't on there, I dun think I woulda been told.

(and I hope u lemme know where you are if you start up again!)

Erica said...

Start a secret blog. That is the answer to your problems.

But then, a fellow blogger once said to me that writing anything on a blog is like shouting it out in the middle of Bourke Street (or whatever your city's local public mall is called), and if you don't want someone to know you've said it, then don't say it.

That said, a secret blog can buy you some time to say what you need to say, although I think it's inevitable that someone will find it eventually.

Enny said...

erica - it has crossed my mind. Tho now I'm not saying anything to anyone about them, so I don't really have anything to worry about. And it's true: it is obviously available to just anyone, AS WELL as it being true that it's eventually gonna be found - even if I start a new one!

Halliwell said...

Blog's are a form of Online diary, it shows ones thoughts and feelings at the time, if it displays any hurtful information the blogger can't be name responsible for their feelings at the time of the post.
It would be wrong to deney the blogger the right to vent/express themselves in their diary, it's not there to degrade people And for people to help express simialr feelings, experiences and rebuttals.
If they don't like it DON'T read it Or put a comment down expressing your view.
Well thats just my thoughts anyway.

Enny said...

halliwell - it's like a lil time capsule, innit? Like I can look back at an entry and think 'Ooh, I remember how angry I was' and laugh at it - but if the person who it were about were to read it, you can understand the seeing it a lil different ;o)