Sunday, August 13, 2006

HYPOTHETICAL: Deal Breakers

(Note the big HYPOTHETICAL in heading? Means that this is just a rambling musing...!)

Sacrifices are always a given in a relationship, the unavoidable dance of give and take. But when push comes to shove, when is too much REALLY too much? Too much give? Too much take? Too much change? Too many chances? And when does this become a deal breaker?

Before I was ever in a relationship, I'd tell my friends (at those sleepovers and chats at lunch) that if I was ever in a relationship - I'd never stand to be cheated on. Yet when I was cheated in what was my second relationship, we carried on for another few years - we carried on through the noxious fog. There was no real deal breaker in that relationship - just a sense of realisation that there was a lot more out there for me. There was however a deal breaker in the 'post-relationship' - tiptoeing away down his driveway, tear stained and ego crushed after one too many nights of cruel comments and harsh words.

My first relationship was somewhat similar - I experience my sense of relisation that there was a lot more out there for me, but he disagreed. And when the opportunity for a weekend away without him presented itself, I warned him that I still felt what I'd told him and that if a certain opportunity came to pass, I wouldn't turn it down. We continued for about a month after that - when he finally came to terms with a betrayal that was intended to be a deal breaker.

And whilst you think you can define your deal breakers before you enter a relationship, or whilst you can look back and define what it was after you've finished the relationship, there are always different breakers for different takers.

You're just too messy - I see it everywhere I look.

You promised me you'd never do it again - you've always know how I felt about that - how can I ever trust you again?

How could you agree to that without talking to me first - what does that mean for us?

There's just no contact anymore - even when we're sleeping - how you can you say you still love me but you just aren't attracted to me?

What do you mean it's my fault you cheated on me?

How can you possibly think that spending less time together will bring us closer together?

Why don't you wear your wedding band anymore?

We were foolish to think we could ever overcome this.

13 comments:

Rom said...

I broke a deal once. Was married but he had decided at least 2 weeks before we got married that he didn't love me, I found this out on our honeymoon. We then agreed to give things a shot and see how we went: 5 months later first bout of counselling. Then 10 months later second bout of counselling. That was it for me. he was ambivilent about me, the marriage and what he wanted so I said no more.

Best damn decision and break I ever did though. ;-)

Matty said...

I was married once. The deal breaker was not the just the repeated infidelity but the constant lying and complete disregard for the other person. Two years on and I'm still not dating.... :I

Halliwell said...

A long long time ago in a gallaxy far far away there once was a girlfriend..
Much Love and admiration was declared through out the couples lives.
Then the love faded by the Ice Queen but continued to see Handsome Prince for another 1 and a half years.
Many dissagreements insued, battles both won and lost with heavy casualities on both sides.
The day finally came when action was to be taken as words would just bounce off the Ice Queen.
The Noble Prince did everything in his power to avoid the imminent destruction of his heart.
But failed and with her final breath The Ice Queen muttered anytime you wanna talk call me, an empty gesture found out the hard way by the Poor Prince.
Now the Prince loiters through life and lived miserably ever after.

DelightfulJen said...

I so understand all of this.

I don't have anything good to say, or contribute, but I'm glad someone else has been able to put into words all the stuff I felt towards the end of my last relationship.

It was never anything big or dramatic as break ups go, we just sort of parted way but it was just really a culmination of a number of deal breakers which did it...

Enny said...

rom - I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that, but glad to hear that you have no regrets!

matty - I'm sorry to hear about the repeated infedility - once was bad enough, I can't imagine how it would feel to have it happen more than that. I do hope that there comes a time when you are treated with the respect you deserve.

halliwell - I'm sorry to hear that you were treated that way - to be the person treated with such disregard and to have to suffer through that.

d'jen - I'm sorry to hear that you do understand so well - It's something that so many people have in common.

DelightfulJen said...

Congrats Enny, it seems you have stuck a nerve with lots of people :)

P.S You don't have to be sorry, for me anyways, it's all onwards and upwards from here. Although it's nice to know other people understand the feeling of knowing the deal has been broken, and it can't be fixed this time.

Rom said...

Halliwell: Dude, you freaked me out since my nickname at uni was Ice Queen. For a split second there I thought you were talking about me!

Matty said...

Sorry, that sounded like it was my own personal whining post! Different things in our life shape us into what we are, I suppose.

I don't spose you'll tell what prompted your hypothetical?

Halliwell said...

Rom: So your an Ice queen too? How many of u guys are out there?

As for the hypothetical It happens. It forces ppl to adapt and evolve.
Just as long as at the end of the day you hold NO regrets.
None of this I could have done more, It's unfair when in situations where u have to give more than ur 50% when the effort SHOULD be equal.
As for Infidelity (I believe your refering to a monogamous and not a polyamorous relationship) I feel it is wrong on any level, it shows complete and utter disrespect for the other person.

Enny said...

d'jen - I know! It was even more daunting to think about the replies than the actual post!

rom - don't you hate that feeling ;o)

matty - don't worry about it! I'm really glad that people shared! It's just something tha'ts been on my mind for a while - thinking about how things change and look from the outside and the inside...

halliwell - I don't know that there can ever be NO regrets - there'll always be something - but at least you stopped there being more regrets.

Erica said...

I don't visit for a few days and there are TWO great posts here! It always happens that way.

I am ashamed to admit that I was too cowardly to break it off when I knew I should so tried to force a deal breaker on his side. Turns out his threshold was way too high and things continued for a year and a half longer than they really should have. Not that it was all terrible - there was love, and there was a contentment, but we just grew up in different directions.

Erica said...

P.S.

I hope everything's ok with The Hun.

Enny said...

erica - why thankyou! and i know how you feel - that was like my first relationship - we were both very happy at the start but it just got to a point where it wasn't going the right way for me.

and yes it is =o)