Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Blarh

Sorry there's been a bit of lack of post atm - I'm off to the coast for three nights tmr.

Sounds nice, eh?

No. It's not.

Magf and I are running a Dan Camp for four of our students (including youngest bro) who are grading to 1st Dan/2nd Dan in another two weekends time. So, we adapted the timetable from the last 3rd Dan Camp we went on in Qld (one of those weekends away where I whine about training 12 hours a day and sleeping only four each night) which means we'll be running them ragged and trying to exhaust them. Shall be interesting.

Anyways, I'm kinda riding the blues train at the moment. I've been mopey for about two weeks, feeling narky at The Hun for nothings (or almost nothings) - I think the whole Japan holiday plan has been canned, work is building up, uni's going to start again, I have bridesmaids stuff to do, I'm getting tired of always being told what to do (being "given advice"), seeing other people happy is making me jaded and twisted and I'm about to turn 25.

25.

I hate it.

It's not even/just the whole thing about where I planned to be at 25 - but I have this terrible feeling of time running out. But for what? Lawd knows what I even want to do/be/see.

Gah.

Back Sun/Mon.

8 comments:

Mick said...

Coast! Sun! Sparring!

Hope you manage to have a decent time. I wish I was heading to the coast for the weekend, in any sort of capacity.

Actually...maybe I can...

25 is nothing (I can say that now). Just wait till you hit 30 :)

Adam said...

There is always something about someone riding the blues train that makes me want to pull their ponytails and wrestle them to the ground. That's right, that's the manly way. Someone is not happy, wrestle them. Someone is happy, congratulatory wrestle, someone suffering a broken pelvis = stacks on!!

No, no, you can say it aloud, I won't be embarrassed. Medical Genius!

Dude, I totally felt like that heading into 25. Time is running out because you feel like you're racing everyone else who is 25 to achieve as much as they have.

Fortunately, that race is totally bogus, but I guess everyone has to realise that on their own. Maybe you're annoyed with the Hun for holding you back from your plan or whatevs, which is fair enough to be annoyed, but try not to feel blue for things that really are completely out of your control or I'll be forced to wrestle you.

Enny said...

mick - Swaps?! Nah, it should be ok. And that's right - you can say that NOW!

adam - I don't mind that - as long as it's a happy wrestle. It's not that there's a whole bunch of people achieving a whole lot more than me - but I do just wish I'd hurry up and realise it. I don't feel that I've really been 'me' for the past fortnight or so, but I also don't think it's just me... I've emailed the gf's and described a situation or two just to make sure that it's not always me being superly oversensitive and the consensus is that it's not just me (I told them I didn't want them to say that just because they were friends and they said they wouldn't).

It's hard to pin it down to one thing exactly, but now it seems that everything is frustrating me. Even when I make an effort to be open minded and calm the f*ck down, I'm straight back into highstrung mode. I honestly don't think it's got to do with just the plan though mebbe part of it is the whole idea of a stoopid plan anywya? Like if 'something' was to happen before I make my half-half century, it'd feel like it was only because I'd pressured my way in, an obligation, a move of pity.

I feel like I've lost my sparkle, that I'm just dragging my way through everything - work, martial arts, home, life - that I'm bothering everyone around me, and that's making me even more sparkleless. I'm dragging my feet and going through the motions, and there just doesn't seem to be anything in front of me - I'm walking in grey - no holiday anywhere anytime (try as I might to find something we both want to do), no money, no house plans, high pressure period at work about to start, uni about to start and carry on for another three years, feeling worthless at martial arts, I'm in a big bridesmaids dress, no valentines day dinner (and proddly not even a card) and a three year anniversary around the corner that at this stage seems like just another day.

I try and explain how I feel but I just don't think I'm being heard. Everyone says 'don't worry' about turning 25 - but I can't help it, I'm not at that stage yet. And when I try to voice my opinion over other insecurities, they're just dismissed as silly, or ignored - and I feel petty for it - but again, I can't help it.

And I just took over my own comments, whining to myself - what a sad f*cking life I lead.

Adam said...

Duuuuuuude.

I totally get like that.
I go through sections of life where I feel like I'm annoying or upsetting everyone and when I realise I feel that way, I just totally lay low instead of trying to fix it.

Fixing things often makes it all worse.

I'd say young lady, you're like totally overwhelmed with life and totally underwhelmed with the romance of the hun.

Maybe the trick of getting the romance is doing the romance. To receive you've got to give, etc. Maybe you don't want to be the one who kick starts everything, but I think it might you feel specialer and might make the hun feel totally into creating some special times because he wants to rather than feeling like he has to. Nobody wants to do something they have to do.

The feeling yuk about the next section of life does suck. It sounds like you need a break and totally don't have anything on the horizon. There's not much that can fix that... maybe break it all down to bite sized chunks, or milestones or whatever you want to call it. Then just concentrate on the smaller goals to tackle the stupid overwhelming ones...

Damn, I'm doing that boy; 'solving when I should be listening thing' again. Sorry Enny. You're allowed to be bummed by stuff, especially hitting 25. It's a big deal and really, it's not until it's over that you realise it's just another birthday.

I have no comment on your martial art ability because you didn't even hit me once while you were in Brisbane, what kind of friend are you anyways?

Happy wrestling is the only kind I know.

Mick said...

Bloody life.

It throws us so many curveballs (or in the aussie vernacular, bouncers) along the way and somehow we roll with them and everything makes us who we are.

My opinion is that we all need time to otherselves, to contemplalte, reflect and re-energise. It is something I didn't do enough of in my marriage and I paid the price for that.

If you can, take time out for yourself. Take a trip inland, or to the coast and just be 'with yourself'. I've had the opportunity to do that and it helped a lot and made me appreciate myself and my life a lot more.

But HEY! It's Friday. WOOO!!!

Enny said...

adam - Thankyou for shooing me out of my pity party ;o) I do really appreciate everything you said up there! I promise not to hurt you next time as well, as a way of showing my thanks!

mick - I think my weekend away did help some - I was relatively alone (but seeing as I go nuts after any more than 24 hours alone, I think it's best for me not to be ALONE alone) and I'm sorry that you weren't able to take your own advice in time to avoid some of that pain.

Adam said...

Man, I'm never going to get punched at this rate. Freakin'

Enny said...

adam - ok, ok - I promise I WILL punch you nex time =o)