We had a total wedding fest this weekend - one yesterday, one this morning and a wedding rehearsal for the wedding we are attending next weekend.
They were all slightly different - yesterdays was held in the Rose Garden at Old Parliament House, a civil celebrant running through the ceremony in what couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes; this mornings was held in a Chapel type thing in Gunghalin, a modern building without a crucifix and presided over by a man who kept it light hearted, adding his own jokes as he went along; the practice was held in a park, in preparation for the ceremony to be held in the Blue Mountains - I'm unsure what to expect.
Yesterdays wedding was lovely, the cake collapsing whilst everyone awaited the bridal party was a bit of an exclamation point. The couple have been together since 2000, I went to school with the groom, but was never particularly close to him. This wasn't helped when he exclaimed quite publicly that The Hun had traded down by taking up with me, after he broke up with his ex almost six months earlier - luckily for him he mellowed out and is actually quite a nice guy - his drawl a fair indicator of his easygoing personality. So of course it was no real surprise when he proposed to his gf - I'd only ever really known them together - and it was fantastic to be part of the relatively small celebration.
This morning was slightly different - I met the groom through my ex - he was the guy who dated the ex's first girlfriend (as mentioned here). I remember the first time we met her, many years ago at a 21st and how well they clicked together, how she was such a nice change from the girl who'd dated more than half of the good friends and how easy going, friendly and funny she was.
But during the vows they repeated this morning I realised - they're married. They are actually getting married, having planned together to get married, having decided that yes she would marry him. For all the weddings I've been attending over the past however long, this was the first time that it really struck me - when really, it should have been no less or no more a surprise than any other.
How long have I pictured a wedding as something to do?
How long have I in my mind thought of it as a natural progression, rather than a willful decision to spend the rest of your life with someone? To resist the urge to walk out rather than stick it out? To speak rather than hold silence? To actually forgive and actually forget? To forever be tied to someone, to love them even when you're angry, to not want them to ever change? To be completely, entirely and utterly open and honest?
Is this what I feel?
Is this felt for me?
For all my thought of what I would do, how much have I taken into consideration what would be best for us? Not for me, not for him, not for my parents or his family or our friends?
And for all my nagging and my episodes I've experience in the last however long, I realise that me biting me tongue really is the best thing for it. It's not something I need to think about right now. It's not something that should be thought be thought about right now.
And it's the first time I've been comfortable with that.