She pulled out of the driveway a little faster than necessary. She knew she was just working herself up, letting something small become something big, become her only focus. It happened from time to time, but had started happening more and more often of late. She thought she knew why, but also had no idea. Did she really want a moment of clarity? Was it inevitable? Or was it always destined to be out of reach?
She slowed at the roundabout, watching the cabined ute with the large screen tv in the tray, held in place by a grey tarpaulin. The girl in the back seat had her glasses pressed up against the glass, eyes down toward the road as the vehicle made it's right hand turn.
She fell in place behind the ute, her mind still heavy with thought, mulling and and pondering, grimacing and pouting. The ute flicked its indicator on and moved to the left edge of the road, brake lights at her eye level. Her mind flicked back to many years ago to when her mother was
explaining the courtesy of truck drivers - on single lane roads when the other lane was clear, they'd move over and indicate to let others passShe shifted down a gear, stepped on the accelerator and sped past the ute with a wave.
She looked back in the rearview mirror and saw the ute driver gesturing. She looked back in the rearview mirror and saw the ute slowly mounting the curb. She looked back in the rearview mirror and saw the double lines on the road.
He had not intended for her to pass.
She had not checked for oncoming traffic.
As she slowed down at the next roundabout she realised that the cloud of anger and hopelessness she had felt as she left the house may well have been her last.
Was it a sign that she should realise how lucky she really was? How happy she really was? How she was only pulling herself down into depression?
Or was it a sign that it was meant to happen. That she had given everything her best shot and it was time to chuck it all in. That this was one thing she could achieve, alone.