Friday, May 09, 2008

Friend dilemma

I'll give you the friend dilemma first, because I was stupid busy today (seriously, division planning days are such a time suck) and wanted to make sure I fully explain myself when chatting to my hairy sisters out there.

So.

Friends.

More specifically, best friends. Or, best friend.

I don't have one.

I have (on occasion) some hypothetical wedding stuff going on in my head - please, (adam!), don't freak out. This time it is very well controlled and includes discussion with The Hun (rather than diatribe at The Hun) and we do adult things like discuss the importance and talk about our feelings and priorities and numbers and dates. So I have some good reason to be thinking it. And all this hypothetical wedding stuff leads me to thinking about who I would have to assist me. In my head, I have three people who I would have as my collective. But I don't have someone who I
would say is my best friend, a person who would in term pick me as their best friend.

You may be aware that I'm not very good at the one on one conversation thing. Actually, the notion of being alone with one person for a set amount of time sends me into a bit of a freak out - the only person I look forward to one on one time (from a social retardation perspective) is The Hun. The only people who I can handle the prospect of one on one time with are youngest bro, magf and gf2. You may note mumsy and dadsy are not on this list - I am that girl.

I spend a fair amount of time with youngest bro to and from martial arts (less so now that he has his own car), and I would often drag him along shopping with me - he came to have something to do. So I can cope with him, just fine. Obviously, he wouldn't be my maid of honour, but also - he wouldn't pick me as his best friend. And I don't think he'd really qualify to be mine either!

I spend a fair amount of time with magf at martial arts, we share rooms when we go on camps, we go to the gym together and there was stuff we did for her wedding too. I was her maid of honour, so she might seem like a logical choice for my best friend. But, if her other friend weren't
overseas, she would have probably chosen her. And there are things that she says or does that makes me think that no, she's not my best friend. She may be the best one that I have, but she's not really 'best friend', if that makes sense?

I overcame my fear of one on one time with gf2 when we went up to see Regina Spektor in Sydney last year (probably around this time, and probably the last time I also whinged about being friendless!) and I would have said that up until this point that yeah, she is my best friend. But through emails that have been going around over the last week or so (and from earlier ones that I just didn't really think about until now), there is a lot of talk that goes on between gf1 and gf2 that doesn't include me. They know all these things about each other and have had all these discussions that I just didn't know about. They have a lot more in common than I realised. So, I might pick gf2 as my best friend, and gf1 would probably also pick her for her best friend. And gf2 would probably pick gf1 as hers.

Of course, when I relayed all this to The Hun, he told me that he would pick me. And he told me that the fact I said he can't pick me because he is obviously so much my number one that it's not even worth answering is just me trying to upset myself over something that's not really that important.

I know that this is fairly similar to mick's post of a few weeks ago, and I know that at least he feels pretty similar to me.

Do you have one best friend?
Would they pick you as theirs?
Are you single?
Does that make a difference?
Do I need one?
Does it matter?

11 comments:

Amanda said...

Do you have one best friend? No. I have maybe 5 people I would consider close friends, but none of them stand out above the others as the "best" friend.

Would they pick you as theirs? Like you, I'm not sure that any of them would pick me as their best, either.

Are you single? Yes

Does that make a difference? Perhaps it's making more of a difference now than before, as the people around me are pairing off. They all have someone that comes above everything else, I just have me.

Do I need one? Only if you feel like you're lacking somehow. I've had the highly hypothetical conversation with myself over who would be bridesmaids and maid of honour (prob cos I went to the wedding a couple of weeks ago), and while I'd probably be able to pick a few girls, I don't think I'd be able to pick one as a maid of honour. Plus having The Hun sort of eliminates the need for one, since he fulfills the duties of a best friend.

Does it matter? Not really, if you're happy with the friends you do have.

Mick said...

Must be that time of year to discuss it :)

When it comes down to it, I have different friends for different occasions, but the friend I chose to be my best man, chose me to be his, which was nice.

I find it hard to nail down one friend as a 'best', but yeah, it doesn't really matter unless you don't have someone t o turn to when you need them...

Which happens a bit to me. i need a 'gigbuddy'.
All these bands I want to see, but never anyone to go with me...

Cazzie!!! said...

Nah, I just have lots of friends, and I don't grade them as best or bestest, they are either my friends, or my mates, or they aren't. I always just spoke to everyone at school, and I do the same at work. If, for some reason I don't get along with someone then I only speak to them if I have to (at work) and well, that is just it.
True friends are the ones I cherish and well, I don't think you could ask for more :)

Enny said...

amanda - Desci recommended making them draw straws, which I think is a plan I will be implementing.

mick - I blame the change in the weather! It's good that there was a reciprocated best man as well, I think that's really nice :o) It's a shame our taste in music is not really the same ;o)

Enny said...

cazzie - it sounds like you have a really good balance there - they either are or they aren't. You don't feel like you should have one best friend though?

Adam said...

Dude, I've so had similar thoughts (P.S; I don't freak out when you talk about wedding stuff or think about wedding stuff, that's totally cool and so normals. I just get nervous when you get upset that peeps aren't doing your life plans. I just like you to be happy because you're ace, is all.)

Anywho, back to the similar thoughts. I don't have any dude best friends and really, don't have any actual best friends. I have lots of peeps that I like and potentially a few people that would quite like me to be their best friend, but yeah, if I were to marry, the question of The Dude Who Got My Back would be a tricky one. I think I make it harder than it should be because I add into the equation, would any dudes that I pick also pick me? That's the trickiest part. Everyone that I've thought of wouldn't pick me, not because I'm not quality, but because they've all got better, longer, from schoolier friends. My mates from school are alright, but I hang out with them like 3 times a year.

I wouldn't mind picking a chick, but that makes it hard again because I would totally insult a few of my friends by not picking them.

It doesn't matter because I'm not excited about any part of marriage, but if I changed my mind, I'd probably invite everyone to take part in an obstacle challenge. Winner gets to be my best man.

Cléa said...

I've had similar thoughts of late because I have come to the realisation that my best friend of many years is no longer my best friend. It does go down to definitions, and to me a best friend is someone you can always be yourself with, no matter how bad you feel, and they'd be there for you. She's no longer this person. So your questions:

I'd say I had a best friend, and although we were like sisters for years, she just upped and decided that others should be her best friends (major personal issues and). If your partner is your best friend, that is excellent however, I strongly believe we need someone other than them, no matter how perfect the relationship is. We may not feel we need to, now, but there will come a time when we do. The best friend can be male, and I'd lean more towards that option if I had the choice.

Does it matter? Only if it does to you, and obviously it has been on your mind. But no need to push it if it doesn't feel right.

Lulu said...

I have two best friends. Cat & James! But Shumpei is my best friend too, so it is difficult.

I am not sure either of them would list me as their best friend (Shun might though?!?) although I think Cat would say I am her best friend in Japan and her friend Rachel is her best friend in Scotland.

My other two really close friends are one from primary and one from high school. Both of which were my best friends at one time or an other. But we grew up, made new friends, our lives changed. They are still my very very close friends, I love them dearly and I know they would say the same about me. I don`t think either of them technically have a BEST FRIEND either now.

I am fulfilled in the friends department...I guess it does matter if you are not feeling fulfilled, but like you said you have the hun and you guys are happy together!!!

I am sure that while you are thinking about it a lot now that you will come to realize that you might not neccsarily need a best friend. I hope you do find what you are looking for though.

As for wedding stuff and choosing bridesmaids and stuff. Shun and I discussed it and asked cat and james to be our best man and maid of honour. For two reasons...one they are both billingual and will need to make speeches in both languages. And they both know us BOTH very well. While my other two close friends have met Shun, they can`t really communicate with him very well where as Cat and him get on great. And we asked James because he is a great friend to us BOTH!

Enny said...

adam - it was tongue in cheek ;o) I guess you're highlighting the way that you can be totally awesome and a great friend, but not necessarily with an equivalent - it doesn't make you any less great, you know?

PS - Obstacle course? AWESOME IDEA.

clea - that must be so tough :o( And I do understand the importance of having a good support system out of your partner, but I am wondering if having a few almost-best is enough? I guess I'm quite honest with different people about different things, so perhaps I've just spread it out a bit :o)

lulu - from reading (and meeting!) you, you would be an awesome best friend! You seem to have lots of great, close friends too - which is great, you are obviously very happy with it all :o)

Also - SQUEEEE for all your wedding planning!!

Erica said...

This rings so true that I will answer your questions.

1. No, I don't think so. I have a lot of close friends, however they are all friends from school and I'm the one from the other school. My closest friend is male and gay (does a bride's wedding party have to be female? Can I have my own best man?), however I've always thought of him as only an almost-best-friend.

2. I don't think he would. However, I think he would answer the first question the same as me, so perhaps that makes us closer than I realise?

3. Yes, I am single.

4. You feel it more when you're single, especially when everyone else around you is suddenly talking about buying houses and getting married to their other halves. But when you're in a relationship you tend to take on your partner as a best friend so your other friendships weaken. Maybe I always fall too hard because I'm looking for a best friend as well as a boyfriend?

5. I would like to have one person I can call whenever I'm upset or need advice, instead of whichever person I feel like talking to/happens to answer their phone.

6. Sometimes it matters a lot. Especially when you really need a shoulder or an ear.

And a further point, I don't know if you, like me, hold back from friendships because you feel the other party should make the first move in everything. I do that. You wait for them to call you up and invite you out, or wait for them to give you a formal invitation to a party they're talking about in your company instead of just asking yourself.

Commenting is really making me miss blogging Enny!

Enny said...

erica - yes, you CAN have your own best man!! I think most people fall into relationships quite quickly, but you're right in that I think they ARE looking for a best friend too - I have trouble with new people, telling if they do like me or if they're being polite? I see myself as very overbearing and intimidating, but I don't know if that's right/wrong/good/bad... And I think we both know the answer to your missing blogging ;o)