Overall, blogging has been a great experience for me - I've met lots of lovely people, I've learnt a lot, I love reading other peoples perspectives and there are some amazingly fantastic writers around the place. I do wish I were a better writer, and I'm sure I could be if I tried, but I'm just not the one to get in there all thoughtful like and structure a properly spelt, well planned piece of work (I tend to rush something off before martial arts or after uni or on the weekend when normal people are doing other proper things). I'm more of the verbal diarrhea type of writer, the "if you were a friend of mine and I'd had a few cruisers, I would rant to you like this and then you could talk back at the end" kind of girl. And I don't mind that about me or about all this - it's more honest and more me AND the one time I wrote a blog-style email to a friend I was having an issue with, he PS'd at the bottom saying that he likes the way I write. Which still strikes me as odd, to this day.
Please note, I just spell checked that paragraph and corrected four mistakes, so perhaps it would be in everyone's best interest if I just clicked that ABC button every so often?
Anyways, with all the flowers and bunnies and rainbows I've gotten from this, there has been a bit of a dark side to it. Not just in the way that 'internets' has become my number one hobby (and a time consuming one at that) but in the way that I feel I have to cloak or hide or only allude to certain things that are on my mind - all for the greater good. I've heard about the people who've blogged about work and been caught out, and that would totally suck so I'm trying to be more careful about that sorta stuff, but I've also had my own experience with RL people reading what I've said and then inflicting on me the stomach churning roller coaster ride of anger, nausea, panic and concern. And I'm in no way keen to relive that experience - not one iota. But I hate not being able to be me, in my space.
That whole incident (I'm sure y'all remember? It started from here and only got wooooorse) has been an unsightly chapter of my life -one that I don't think I'll ever be able to just forget or dismiss, one that's affected me here and in RL. I won't lie - things have never been the same since. Thing probably won't be the same again.
I went through panic, anger, ignorance, anger and then back to panic. It started being about me, and then it grew and enveloped quite a few others. And not everything fell back into place - it all feel a bit skew-whiff, a bit crooked, tattered and hanging around the edges... and no can (or wants to?) put it back into place.
Now I have to be careful because I'm tired and my horoscope for yesterday warned me not to say stupid things because they're likely to blow up in my face.
When you hear/see/know things about a friend of a friend of a friend that are slightly worrying, do you feel concerned? Do you kind of feel like you take part of that on yourself? Do you think and think and think on it? Do you ask questions and get opinions and clarify the situation in your mind?
Because that's what I do.
I don't think it's just because I have a tendency for being nosy (though I'm sure that many others perceive it that way). I mean, I know that's true - I like to know stuff - I don't deny it. But I think it's something deeper than that.
Plus I catch yawns easily and I read that the easier you yawn, the more empathetic you are. Seriously.
So when I hear something 'worrying' about 'something', I can't help but take it on and think it out.
There are a series of relationships that were affected by my thoughts, to varying degrees. My friendships, my blood relationships, and those that are somewhere in between.
So while this is my space - this is not my space.
While people say they don't read this, I can't believe that - I can never fully believe anything, because I've already been naive about it and if f*cked me over. And while I can tell myself that it doesn't matter - that they said they don't read it so they can't get angry about anything I've written because 'they don't read it' - it doesn't matter.
I do know in my heart of hearts that if I knew someone blogged about me, I would read it. I would not be able to not take it to heart because I really am a bit of a sensitive little thing on the inside. I would probably do the same and put up walls and live daily experience with a faux air of confidence and optimism and ignorance and control. I would probably also do the same and lie somewhere in between - with moments of honesty that are indeterminable from the real honesty that we had before.
I do also know, as I am learning, that suffering in my life is only as a result of my thoughts and my views - I choose to be affected by things that I see and hear and sense and know. That ultimately I can escape the suffering in the refuge of knowing that really it doesn't matter, it's all external distraction.
I do also know that I have a hard time letting go of my suffering, my badges, my pains.
I've tried many a time to express things here in an underhanded way, to get my message through in a 'subtle' way, and expressed disinterest in whether it's had any effect in real life.
And while I really need to go to bed as I've stopped making sense, I would like to say:
The only person that can look out for you, is you.
The only person who can and should decide what you do, is you.
If you want something, there's nothing wrong with you outright asking for it.
And if you don't get it, it doesn't mean you should bow down to pressure, go against your beliefs and go against your gut.
Do not forget who you are, and why you are the way you are. There are reasons, measured reasons and logic behind your beliefs - you did not adopt them overnight, nor should you forget them overnight.
If you are not happy or comfortable, do not pretend to be. That is not going to make anything ok.
If you pretend it's ok, then voice that maybe it's not, only to find that people know it's not ok but carry on nontheless - that's not ok.
If you find yourself being different people to different people, then maybe stop and think. How would you feel if you saw that yourself? What would you feel for that person, about that person? What would you want to say? What would you want them to say to you? Then put yourself back in your place and look again.
The big picture is important, and it is made up of many small pictures.
But you cannot skip the parts that just don't seem to be working and then get to the big picture unscathed.
I worried about the real you before, and I worry about the real you now.
If you find yourself torn and conflicted, then listen to the noise.
If you find big things becoming small things - they don't stop being big things.
If it's not turning out like you thought it would - it's not going to end the way you wish it would.
If you realise you're contradicting yourself, if you realise that others realise you're contradicting yourself and still charging on, you are the only one that can resolve it.
So stop listening to everyone else, inlcuding that arguing voice in your head, and listen to you. The real you.