HOW TO POO AT WORK!
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Pay heed to this advice - this will help you avoid a Mexican style stand off, woman on woman, competing against each other, mentally willing the other to get up and leave to let you poop in peace... or so I've heard...
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
I can honestly say I've never farted at a urinal. Full. Stop.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
I'm not cool enough to be hung over at work. However, I am prone to mapping out whether the people coming are going (mapping out in my head - not the wall! Dirty bugger...).
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Wouldn't that require an advanced degree in acrobatics? And is it true that lighting a match will burn up the smell?
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
One of the Dilbert books (stereotype+++) stated a good way of avoiding work is to walk around with papers with your hands to make it look like you're busy. Except for a newspaper. Newspapers always make it look like you're going to bake a fat loaf. This is why I chuckle when I see the library staff bringing in the papers of a morning.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Um. Yuk. No thanks.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
{Deleted by the Author - sorry dudes!}
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
Are there people that actually do this?! Maybe in Kambah... or Lyneham...
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Heh heh *cough cough*
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace
Short - short - short - long - long - long - short - short - short*
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
I imagine it would take more than a little cough to distract from the sound of a watermelon being dropped of at the pool.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
The after-affect of one of these taught me to never Never NEVER lift the lid on a closed toilet. EVER.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Sometimes I do this on purpose...
Go forth and rejoice in your newfound knowlege! G'orne.... Gedoutta here!
*Morse Code! Argh, yee salty seamen.
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