The one where Enny finds out blogging is genetic

The party wasn't too bad last night - general theme of :drink: :drink: :yawn:, :eat: :drink: :yawn:, :eat: :eat: :eat:, :drink: :yawn: :yawn:. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that it was bad or anything, but I wasn't really in the mood for a party and there's only so much of the Enny Cocktails you can stomach before they just aren't frozen or sweet enough anymore and it's too late because you've already spent most of the night smiling at people with berry bits stuck between your teeth and everyone is to intimidated to tell you in case you laugh too loud at them or mistakenly launch into a story about how you'd do ur friends mum from behind coz then you wouldn't have to look at her face (different brother, different ex-housemates, but true story nonetheless).

Anyways - sidetracked.

My little bro (well, youngest of three lil brothers, but at age 18, over 180cm tall and >=80kg(?!) I should get outta the habit of calling him 'lil') rocked up round 10, with another younger brother (20, >185cm and 136kg app.) , making all four kids together in one place (the oldest of the three youngest is dating the ex-housemate - capisce?!!).

We were all talking about something or other to do with HTML and !!!111!!one!! jokes (three cocktails, three cruisers, no dinner, shaddup) when he (the one I'm putting blood on here) says: 'ra ra ra ra, It's all in my blog'.

EnnyPen: You have a blog?
Him: Yeah. But I haven't updated it for like two months
*EnnyPen drunkenly tries to exchange meaningful eyebrow wriggling with The Hun who, aware of my lack of subtleness when I'm wearing drunk-eyes, classfully ignores me*
EnnyPen: I didn't know you had a blog?!??!!!
Him: Yup.

And that was that.

So this morning I dressed up in my espionage gear (read: couch trackies and knotty shower hair) and googled some combo's that I thought would take me to his site. Which took me to his friends site. Which linked to his site.

And I read it.

I now I kinda know how Jellyfish felt when her family caught her our, but kind of in reverse - should I be reading this? Surely he knows I'd be reading it now? But he didn't write it for me to read.... But it's public! But it's so private......(round and round and round she goes, if she'll ever sort it out in a post, nobody knows)....

I would link it here, but I was a little startled to see so much reality. Real names. Real links. Real photo's. There's my whole family at Christmas, at birthdays, at pissups. There I am, pre-WeightWatchers. There's one of my ex-housemates, nose turned up at the camera. There's my poor old dog, lumps and all.

And there's all his real life. What he really thinks, what he really feels, what he really does. It's not anonymous. It's not pretend. There's no blurring between truth and fiction because it's all honest.

I'm not saying we're not close - I'm the closest to him of all my siblings. He's always been my favourite, and we've had our ups and we've had our downs. But I really, honestly, at the bottom of my very core, had no idea of how things really are with him.

And I don't know where I'm really going with this.

I'm trying to dump it all out to sort it all out. But, I do have a little bit of a headache. And, I'm pretty sure he's gonna read this. And Big Brother is on. And I've ordered Chinese and I should be watching what I eat. And The Hun will be all like 'why did you write that there?' And people will comment that it's fake and posed and poxy and totally lame.

But what I want to say is this: I am really, really proud of my lil bro. He's a lot like me in that we just don't deal with 'those' conversations. If we have something meaningful to say, it comes through email. Or SMS. Pieces of paper under the door in the old days. And now, who knows, possibly in blog form now.

There were some things that hit a nerve with me, and so many things that reminded me of how things used to be with me, with my life, with me way of 'dealing' with people. So, if you're reading this:

Don't be worried about some of the things that are worrying you. Getting used to silence can be hard, after spending so long bombarding yourself with noise, with loud music, with games with violence and lowbrow content, with vidoes, pictures and animations, and with the thoughts that go round and round and round your head and you feel that they are never going to end, never going to go away, never be quiet and leave you in peace. I'm crap with meeting new people too - I once spent all night talking to a guy on ICQ, to finally meet him in real life and not say one thing all night. Not. One. Word. I sweat when I know I'm gonna be in a new situation. And even The Hun tells me that I'm totally different with my friends than I am with him - not really myself. And the difference is more noticeable when I'm with girl-friends as apposed to boy-friends. I laugh inappropriately. I talk to myself. I put on a mask of 'Hey, I'm cool with this' when I'm usually not.

And you'll always have someone to talk to if you need to.

/Fin.