EnnyPen's 15 things I learnt in King Kong.
1) Peter Jackson is a greedy, greedy man. I mean, good on him for getting the rights to make a fil-uhm about the big ape, but the point of making a film is to stick to the film. The point is NOT to give credence to your fav films by adding them into yours (see Titanic, Jurassic Park, Arachnaphobia etc etc).
2) Heath Ledger should sent Naomi Watts a needle and thread so she can sew her lips together to avoid her gonky teeth sticking out at me for 3 frickin hours. And a picture of his baby coz she wanted one with him but he scored with the girl from the other side of the tracks in Dawsons Creek, jus because she now SHITS ME.
3) As much as Jack Black may want to be taken seriously as an 'artist' he will always be the dumpy guy in the 'tribute' film clip whom you can't take seriously by default. This may also be due to his poor acting skills which always seem like a mockery of what he wants to do.
4) 'I will now touch the great beast' is set to become pickup line of the year. Followed in a close second by 'I now have my hand on the 25 foot beast'.
5) Although herbivores, big monkeys have a liking for skinny blondes with short curly hair only. Their hobbies include chestbeating, sliding on the ice on their ass and random destruction.
6) Three T-rex v a monkey holding a bimbo = victory for the apes.
7) The best way to kill said T-rex is to bite it's tongue out then snap it's jaw off and use it to crush it back into it's (pea sized) brain.
8) Writhing long necked dinosaurs rolling around on top of each other will not make you horny in the theatre. Neither will penis-in-penis swamp monsters.
9) Gargoyle monster bats will hang around peacefully until the monkey is awake and able to defend himself before they try to eat his flesh.
10) Adrian Brody would be triple-t Hottt if he kept a bag on his head whilst walkin round topless.
11) The best thing to do when captured by an ape is to perform a vaudeville routine to make him laugh and instantly get some crazy obsession for you.
12) You can teach an ape to recognise something 'beautiful' by repeating it slowly three times while pointing to your boob. He will then communicate this to you on top of the Empire State Building (conveniently designed with ridges exactly apes-arm lenth apart for easy climbing).
13) You also don't really require any safety equipment to climb the Empire State Building - any bimbo in heels can climp up to the very tip-top and only encounter enough breeze to slightly ruffle her fluffy gown and perm whilst she shows you her teeth AGAIN.
14) In this day and age of acceptance of race and slant against generalising nationalities, the singular token black mine will die trying to help someone else, and the single token asian will die clumsily.
15) Monkeys pout and sulk jus like men, but will come around if you juggle for them. Keep this in mind next time you make ur man cranky.
I came away with a lot of unanswered questions...How did he get so big anyway? What did she eat? How did they get him back to the city? Wouldn't all that monkey hair reek when it's wet? Why didn't he give it a happy ending? Why did he like her anyway? Why didn't we skip out on trying to find something in Sanity so we could make the Narnia session at 3:30?
Overall, I give him 1.5 from 5 (that's 1 to the amazing tech guys who managed to make such a realistic ape, and .5 to stupid Peter Jackson who gave me 'the lump in the throat' even tho I spent the whole time baggin it out.