Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Diet Adventures of an Amazing Girl

Some of you may be aware that Shauna (she of what's new pussycat? and The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl! fame) has just released a book, a collection of excerpts from her Dietgirl blog, detailing her 'journey' as she lost half her body weight. A subset of you may also be aware that I have both bought and finished the book (ah! the joys of Facebook!).

I do highly recommend it - an entertaining and interesting read - but then I could be considered a bit of a stalker... I noticed a blurb on her book in my Women's Health magazine and emailed her to see if she knew about it. She didn't. And she responded in such a lovely manner that when I got my Dymocks weekly newsletter and saw it recommended in there too, I forwarded it on to her and got another lovely response. So perhaps my buying it as soon as I was aware it was out (thanks Lala!) and reading it in a day could be a part Pavlovian response from her loveliness though she still won't add me on Facebook.

Anyways, the book goes into some detail about her eating habits, her highs and her lows, her methods and her thoughts. All the way through I would read it and recognise glimpses of myself (and just about every other woman I know, I imagine) although there was one part that struck me the most (I've edited bits out from the blog post and I don't know how it works now that she's published so Shauna? Please don't sue me!)

About half an hour ago I was in Safeway and I spotted the 500ml tub of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough icecream and I thought, wow, this is destiny baby, you were meant to be in my belly!

And now I sit here peering into a more-than-half empty tub and wonderingwhat possessed me..... Somehow I forgot today that I never really enjoyed it that much. And it took me half a tub to remember!? I've absolutely demolished it....

I feel quite ill...

I'm off to his place tonight and volunteered to cook coz he's in the recording studio today with his wee band. So that's how I ended up in Safeway oggling the ice cream. I got us some noodles and stir fry vegies,and fruit for dessert. But here's the Old Dietgirl that still lurks within me -- I actually thought to myself, "My sister is at work, I have a few hours alone. I could scoff that ice cream, noone will ever know, and The Boy will think I'm a legend for whipping up this healthy dinner!"

Oh how clever and crafty am I for concocting such a secret plan?! Not freaking clever at all, seeing now I feel like a whale and will no doubt be trying to surpress my gurgling stomach all night. How sexy.

I wish I could get over this whole, "Quick! Eat! While No One's Looking!" mentality. There is always going to be plenty of shitty food for me to eat, I don't need to scarf it down in secret. It's always going to be there, it's always going to be rubbish, so I am not going to miss out on wild pleasure and gratification if I leave it the f*ck alone. And people will find out soon enough, when my gut and arse come spilling over the barrier of my pants. Will I ever learn!?
This is me*.

The nutritionally hollow meals (ha! like they can be called that when they are just a copious amount of a snack in addition to my actual meals) that seem like destiny.

The realisation that really a bag of misery chips does not taste that fantastic, I did not really enjoy it, I can't believe I demolished it.

The illness, the feeling like your organs have swollen, pressing against the barriers of your skin, all, ALL, due to the copious amounts of calories that have been forced in, past the point of comfort.

The seeing time alone as 'opportunities' to gorge myself.

The misguided belief that somehow that crap is not going to be there.

And that is key.

If there is something in the house that is 'bad'('GOOD') then I will eat it. I will spend all day thinking about it, thinking about when I can eat it, wondering if I can finish it before The Hun gets home, bringing with him the potential to have to share and not 'get to' eat the equivalent of 2 or 5 or 10 or twenty serves on my own. In my lazy pants. On the couch.

Shauna mentioned throughout her book some of the history and reasoning that may have contributed to the weight gain in the first place. In some ways, I think my MUST EAT THAT NOW instinct comes due to an my relationship with junk food when I was younger - we just did not have it in the house, or at school, or when we went out. Four children in less than five years on a somewhat limited budget left little room for treaties and sweeties and candies. So when we went to a party where these things were, we would gorge ourselves. Go nuts. Almost make ourselves sick.

Somewhere along the line, eldest bro found a way to overcome it - always the only one to have easter egg chocolate past mid afternoon on Easter Sunday. The only one to not go through some sort of weight blowout between 18 - 22. The only one that you can look at and descibe as 'slim' or 'fit' or 'healthy'.

I need to realise that a bag of chips will still be there tomorrow. Even if it is not that exact one, there will always be chips, there will always be Jam Fancies, there will always be mock prawn toast.

I need to remember the gross feeling of over indulgence. Seperate it from the glee of 'sneaking a naughty'. Remember why it is bad for me.

I need to realise I'm not missing out on anything by not gorging myself sick - I'm missing out on more by doing it.

*Don't get me wrong - it's not me every day, or even every week, but it is still me.

6 comments:

Pomgirl said...

That is me, too. I didn't know Dietgirl had been published in Australia yet, I'm going to buy it tomorrow. Woot!

D'Jen said...

I used to be like that too, but my brain candy really fixed it, I feel.

Cadbury Snack and Creme Eggs will always be fair game, but everything else I can just...leave alone.

I think the difference is that now I can just say to myself "it's just food", chocolate won't make the bad day I've had any less shitty, chippies won't make the feeling of being hungry and eating any more pleasurable, so eating it won't change my mood so I am just able to leave it alone and have a bit when I feel like it.

You are right about there always being more. Isn't it crazy that even though we live in a manner that provides us more food than we could ever need, that the urge to gorge on some things can be so overwhelming?

Shauna said...

oh you rawk, e-p :) i am really chuffed you bought the book. and enjoyed it too, bonus!

sorry if i've snubbed you on FB, it wouldn't have been on purpose, did you try to add me?!

i hope it helped you to realise where your Quick Eat It While Noone's Looking issue came from. Somehow for me it helped when I finally figured out why. I always thought it was beyond my control but now i can stop and think before i scoff. except when raging with PMS, mwahaha :)

Enny said...

pomgirl - let me know what you think!

d'jen - I'm glad you've found some resolve, albeit not necessarily your preferenced way! It must be good to make that clarification - that it IS just food, that it ISN'T going to make anything better, that it IS still going to be there (moreso if I don't eat it!)

shauna - hooray! I sent you a message... The PMS thing can be an issue in itself - I'm always unsure if it's the week before or the ACTUAL week, so 50% of the time is PMS (the other two weeks are for binging for having survived the week off and for celebrating for not about to have or have just had the week off!).

non-Blondie said...

oh my god, that is me too! I have a voice in my head telling me about the junk food in the house, or the kebab shop down the road and it's only when I've started (um or finished) eating it that I realise I don't actually want it. I don't even LIKE cheese & onion chips. What am I doing?

And there's definitely guilt and secrecy. My boyfriend is being very helpful by asking me what I'm eating for lunch etc, because the temptation to eat chips or a jacket potato smothered in cheese every day is overwhelming when the only healthy option in the canteen is a 'salad' of processed chicken meat covered in salad cream (shudder) with onion and lettuce. It's not a controlling thing from him, I have asked him to do it because if I don't want to tell him I ate chips again and feel like I let someone else down then I won't order them.

I've been reading the DietGirl blog, but perhaps should get the book...

Enny said...

n-blondie - heh heh, we have a kebab shop in a 7 minute drive, but it's one of the few places with hot vegan chips! It's like that with The Hun too - he'll know I'm on a kick to eat well, and then I get doubley defensive if I imagine him looking twice at what I'm eating or raise an eyebrow... it's like I only want him to know about me eating healthy when I'm NOT having a binge ;o)

You should!